Random

Holidays are unfortunately arriving to an end and though I'm kind of bored at home I can't help but want to stay like this forever. These were definitely one of the best holidays I have ever had. I had never gone out so much with my friends and even the trip with my parents was amazing. I love all of them so much but as I'm always with my family I keep missing my friends. They're everything for me! I miss them so much and I have been with them yesterday! It's pure bliss to be with them, times flies by though as we are always having a great time. I don't know which moments do I look forward to as I love all of them. Those moments we just sat together in silence or whispering, our beach trips, our cinema afternoons, our nights dancing...It just feels so right to be with them! I can't help but wish that some years from now on we can keep in touch, we can still be friends like now and have as much fun.
With time passing by so quickly responsibilities lay ahead of us and we cannot ignore them but we have to make time for us, cause I don't know if I can survive without them.
I don't know what's the matter with me today. I'm not happy nor am I sad...I'm just..I dunno! And I don't feel like writing but I definitely want to...I think I'm on both extremes today and it's hard to find something to do like this! I spent the whole afternoon watching videos of my childhood like Cinderella and the Lion King! I just <333 these movies.

Good or Evil?

I hate this stupid feeling of not belonging, not fitting anywhere. Sometimes I wonder if I have not come from afar way from here. I don't understand the way people act it just confuses me so much. Humanity has taken a role in its hands that I can't fulfill. Perhaps I have non-human blood in my veins although I cannot see from where does it come nor I know how that is possible. I don't understand, really I'd love to and I really make an effort. How come that humans can always choose the wrong path for them? And who am I to talk about them like this? I am one of them, right? Then I guess I have to say we, isn't it? I start to wonder if we humans have the lightest trace of kindness and compassion. Are we really good? I have found my mind plagued with thoughts about this lately and there's a reason about that. This last years every time I turn the TV on I can only see pain, misery, death, war. What the hell happened to us? If we were making bets right now I would bet that the human race has nothing but evil within them. Right now I don't give a damn about us, about our stupid society. There's no hope for us. We will all die in the end by our hands I don't doubt that. Normally I would have a but, I would try and find that tiny little ray of hope that always flickers in the horizon but what its the point when even the ones you call friends, the ones you believe in no matter what, those who you stick with and stand up for anything leave you behind in an old memory that its good but always stays laid forgotten when it is needed? I hate to feel like this, so weak, so alone, so abandoned. Is it wrong for me to always believe in them? Is it wrong for me to stick so much to the past, to try and have them forever in my life? Perhaps I'm a dreamer, perhaps I can't see reality with the same eyes the others do. But reality for me its what I want it to be, it's my dreams, my hopes, my fears and I always see myself sharing this with my friends. Maybe I take the word friend beyond its meaning and if I keep doing this to myself I'll always get hurt. I should stop believing, hoping although I don't do it much anymore but perhaps I should have stopped long years ago when I was naive and pure. I'm afraid I get as corrupted as they are but is there a chance to escape? I think I've claimed my death sentence the day I chose to follow my mind and not my heart, the day I signed in for science, for progress and knowledge and not for words and imagination, for love and compassion.

Ladybird

Red Hot Chili Peppers

I'm finally free from school work. It was a rough year but as always it was worthwhile. Now, I guess I have all the time for me and although these first days are gonna be peaceful I know that I'll bore myself to death here alone. I really hope my friends want to catch up often. Well, with all my freetime and all I've decided I've no more excuses as to not post about Red Hot Chili Peppers like I've promised to my cousin. Right, and what's there to say about them? Not much really and that's because their songs, their style speak for themselves. Definitely one of my favourite bands if not the favourite one. I love Anthony Kiedins. =)
They came here to Portugal a month and a half ago(if I'm not mistaken) to play on Rock in Rio. I was supposed to go, I was so excited! God, it would have been the best gift ever. But unfortunately fate was once again against me and my parents decided I couldn't go. Can you just see the injustice of this? I was so jealous of my cousin and some of my friends as they were going and I was staying behind. On the day of the concert I could rip off anyone's heart in three seconds if they just mentioned my luck. I was kinda of scary! lool Oh well, but I got to see the whole concert on the internet. It wasn't the same but it was something. And if I could feel a tinkling sensation in every note they sang and I was so far away from them I can hardly imagine what was like to be just right there. Now I only have a little pin brought for one of my friends and the wish to see them again but this time on their side.

Ladybird

Nasty memory

Sometimes I wonder how our memory can hold on to certain moments and keep in mind all the details, other times it just focus on the most important issues of that moment and there are other ones that just slip away like they've never been there, like they have never happened. It's amazing if we think upon it for some time how the most memories that keep surfacing are the worst ones and not the good ones, perhaps to make us see what we have done wrong in the past and that we shouldn't be repeating it again? I really don't have a clue about it and to tell the truth I've never done much thought on it, but right now there's a memory that keeps popping in and out and I can't really say if it is bad or good...And it's kind of frustrating,really...
I guess it is a good one as the part that I remember really well makes me sigh and it gives me goosebumps all over my body but then I remember everything that happened on that day and I can't make it a good thought anymore.
FLASHBACK
It was a hot day and we were on a school trip, everybody was happy and singing, playing the guitar...I was in a good mood too until I felt the world crash down on me. Silly I know but I can't help it if my stupid heart decided to break all the rules and fall hard for one of my best friends. I do try to keep my desire away but what can I do my heart seems to be just as stubborn as my mind. So you can see that it really wasn't a pretty sight for me when he spent the whole trip snogging is supposed girlfriend. I really hold on well, I kept most of the trip with a beautiful smile on my face and playing around with my friends but I was kind of expecting to spend the trip with him. Oh, and don't get me wrong I know he has his girlfriend but really it wouldn't be the first time he would leave her just to be with me. We are really good friends and if there's something I treasure it's his friendship. I love his company, his witty remarks, our heated discussions and it doesn't really help when he his kind of a hot guy too. Well, I really just started getting unpleasant towards the others on the way back and I decided it was better if I was alone in one of the benches of the bus. Lucky me that without thinking just sat in front of the snogging couple! Or was I trying to see how further they would go? Hell, I can't even understand myself. And as stupid as it is I remember a tear making its way down my face and in my rage of being like that because of a stupid teenager with ranging hormones I wiped it away with full force. And as I was gazing into space he came to stand beside me. I focused my sight on him, my hair had fallen in front of my eyes and then he made the stupidest move, the one I can't take my mind of. He raised his hand slowly and pulled a stray of my hair behind my ear and while doing it brushed his knuckles on my cheek. Oh, how I felt every little nerve of my body contract behind his touch, how I felt goosebumps all over me. And the stupid prick kept looking at me in the eyes unaware of his effect or perhaps totally aware and enjoying his power over me.
END OF FLASHBACK
You may think this is stupid as we are close friends, right? The problem it's even though he had touched me before it never was such an intimate gesture. It seemed that he was taking care of me and the sudden desire to cuddle in his arms was really hard to fight back. I guess this images popping in and out are just a picture of what I desire. It has been a really long time since I've been with a guy and perhaps that's why I find myself craving for his touch.

Ladybird

Imagination

Às vezes acordo com uma sensação inexplicável de alegria que parece rebentar pelo meu peito fora e me faz pensar que a mais simples e rotineira actividade do dia é genial. Outras vezes o abrir uma porta e encontrar do outro lado alguém de quem gosto muito ou abrir uma janela e olhar o céu fazem do meu dia um vulcão de felicidade capaz de entrar em erupção e absorver todos os que me rodeiam nesta felicidade. Mas é também no final destes dias que me sinto mais infeliz, que acabo por me sentir sozinha. tal como um relâmpago que se desenha no céu em segundos, também a minha felicidade desaparece e dá lugar a incertezas e medos. Nestes momentos sinto que as minhas emoções estão ao rubro e que a intensidade delas é difícil de controlar.
Depois há aqueles dias em que não sinto absolutamente nada, dias em que dor ou alegria passam pelo meu corpo como um fantasma passa por uma parede. Estranho como a minha mente e o meu corpo conseguem ter sensações tão diferentes. Como é possível alguém sentir as coisas com tanta intensidade em alguns momentos e depois sentir absolutamente nada?
Às vezes penso se tudo o que vivi até agora não é apenas um sonho. Se todos os bons e maus momentos porque passei, todas as pessoas que passaram nem que por breves momentos não passam da minha imaginação. Fico a pensar se não vou acordar de repente e perceber que era tudo um sonho, e quando tento pensar no que encontraria quando acordasse vejo apenas o vazio. Tenho este pensamento desde muito pequenina. Lembro-me perfeitamente de ter uns 7 anos e estar deitada na minha cama e achar que ia acordar e que tudo o que se tinha passado não passava de um sonho, que todos os 7 anos da minha existência se iriam desvanecer em nuvens de fumo. Estranho como um pensamento tão rebuscado pode ter aparecido na minha mente tão cedo e como ainda aparece tão frenquentemente.
Às vezes tenho dificuldade em distinguir a realidade da minha imaginação, que chego a pensar se já não criei o meu próprio mundo imaginário e se não é nele que vivo. Se assim for sou eu que crio os meus próprios obstáculos, sou eu que impeço a minha felicidade propositadamente. Mas talvez as nossas vidas não passem mesmo de um sonho, nem que seja um sonho conjunto. Talvez acordemos oito horas depois de termos adormecido e nos apercebamos que durante essas horas criamos um mundo enorme e completo, uma vida na nossa imaginação. Talvez o acordar desse sonho seja a morte que nós imaginamos como um espectro encapuçado e escuro que nos vem buscar, mas que não passa de um anjo que levanta o encantamento de sono para nos deixar descansar para sempre. E se a nossa vida não passa mesmo da nossa imaginação então tudo o que quisermos imaginar torna-se realidade, temos a capacidade de sermos felizes pelas nossas próprias mãos, de escolher o nosso próprio caminho sem interferências. Então o porquê de ser tão complicado tomar uma decisão e ir contra a vontade dos outros quando sabemos aquilo que queremos?Porquê o medo da mudança e de tudo o que é novo e imprevisível?
O desconhecido deixa-nos reticentes, daí o medo do meu futuro. Todas as certezas se materializam em dúvidas no momento das decisões e apenas com força de vontade, coragem e ajuda daqueles que amamos seguimos em frente, nem que isso signifique deixá-los para trás no espaço. Pois, estes podem estar longe mas nunca saem do meu coração.

Ladybird

Emotional

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad about everything
Sometimes I'm mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

Don't give up now running away
I won't hurt you, sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
laughing always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

You say I'm just impossible
Totally unpredictable
I'm just a girl get use to it
No big deal

You can't change me why would you try?
I'm no angel but I can make you smile
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
laughing always easy but, sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

Don't give up
I won't hurt you
Oh, sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

That's when I need you
laughing always easy but, sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel oh yeah
That's when I need you
Sometimes I get emotional

That's just the way I am
Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
laughing always easy but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

Hum... ouvi hoje esta música pela primeira vez (Thanks to Ana :) ) e ficou-me na cabeça...esta letra está tão "me" lol parece escrita por mim...

No one told me it would be so hard!

I am scared, god, I don't remember being just like this, scared of breathing, of thinking...It seems that every choice I make his cursed. Just another big twist in my life, another turmoil of emotions to deal with and again I don't know how to react. What started like a pleasant day ended like being held in hell. I've wondered a lot lately and I can't find any single reason to have a fate just like mine. If God is out there looking for us, shouldn't he be caring, shouldn't we all be happy?! Then why do I have the sensation that He's just playing us around like toys? Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps my mind is now so corrupted by our society that I've just fallen into ignorance, that I can't see the love He send us everyday in every simple task we do...But even my easiest tasks are a burden.
Like I've mentioned before on one of my previous posts I believe that we are only in the world for one purpose, seeking love. Everyone wants to be loved, understood, respected and if there's something I believe in it's Soulmates. We may not find it today, nor tomorrow, nor even in years of this lifetime that we can remember, but our souls are constantly moving from body to body never leaving the path of earth. And in those years, decades, centuries our soul will seek their Other Part till the ends of earth, we can find it once, twice, constantly, we may stay with it forever or we may have just a brief meeting. Soulmates don't stand together everytime, love is too simple too a world like ours. Humans tend to complicate, why making love easy when it just creates a whole new branch of emotions most of the times unknown?! We always go for the hardest way, we try to complex everything and when it comes to make the right decision, too choose, we just choose the easiest path, the one we think won't give us any troubles, but turns out being the hardest one, and sometimes we just leave behind an important part of us.
Why this whole rambling about nothing?Well easy enough, I'm troubled and I don't know who to talk to. I'm not in love, don't take me wrong, there are a lot of people for whom I care about, there are even two or three guys that I might fancy a bit, they're witty, they're charming...But before all those possible feelings I have friendships I'm not willing to give up. Bonds that took me really long to create and that are more important to me than anything else. I'm one of those who seek for the love of their friends instead of trying to create a new whole kind of relationship, perhaps because I've been disappointed in the past, 'cause I'm afraid of suffering again.
I thought I had just moved on and I had in a way, there wasn't that need of having someone by my side (except for my friends), there wasn't anything distracting me from school, everything was smooth. I should have been alert, perhaps I could have avoided all this confusion and awkwardness but now it's just too late. And then when I was just happy I was the plain me with no big worries, a tinkling sensation found it's way to my heart. Am I just overreacting?Am I just making a great confusion with a deep friendship and a lighter kind of love? I wish I am, I'm just praying that if God is really there taking care of me He will make this day just a dream in everyone's mind, specially in mine...I hope I woke up a few hours later with the feeling of a weird dream where I thought my life was turning into chaos. Only then I can believe one of my beliefs...Love only seek us when we aren't looking for it.

Ladybird

Ser diferente

Estar triste e muito feliz

querer o que sempre quis

ter aquilo que ninguém tem

sempre a rir e a chorar

estar calada mas a falar

amar e odiar alguém

ser algo de estranho, invulgar

ser a lua ou ser o mar

viver junto do paraíso

jóia cara sem valor

sentir-me bem mas com dor

estar séria com um sorriso

ser algo diferente eu queria

ser uma manhã, ser um dia

sonhar com a realidade

ser eterna mas morrer

uma recordação a esquecer

mentir dizendo a verdade.

Queria ser algo impossível

começar quando terminou

ser uma princesa encantada

ser tudo não sendo nada

mas diferente do que sou.

Este poema não é da minha autoria, com muita pena minha :pouts: mas quem mo deu nunca me disse quem o tinha escrito. Só não quero que fiquem a pensar que sou grande poetisa...=) Traz muito boas recordações...:sighs and daydream:

Ladybird

Love & Friendship

Hum...cá estou eu outra vez :) Acabei de receber uma queixa porque só escrevo em inglês! Desculpem, mas o inglês é parte de mim e é-me muito mais fácil dizer aquilo que penso e sinto dessa forma. Mas vou fazer um esforço para escrever mais em português. Afinal é a minha língua.

Ah, no meu ultimo texto esqueci-me de mencionar o facto de que a fotografia não me pertence...é da autoria do meu priminhu! São os dois gatinhos dele(mãe e filha) juntamente com o hamster, que infelizmente ja morreu:(. Eu escolhi exactamente esta foto porque não é todos os dias que vemos um amor como aquele não é verdade? Tal como eu referi no meu texto todos procuramos o amor, pode ser é de diferentes formas. Como o amor entre pessoas é o mais comum e aquele em que pensamos quando nos referimos a tal sentimento achei apropriado demonstrar outro tipo de amor. O senso comum costuma dizer que os opostos se atraem, e eu acredito que torna as coisas mais interessantes. Ao trabalharmos em sentidos diferentes e lutarmos no fundo pelo mesmo, pelo amor, digamos que é tudo mais "challenging". Sentimos que as coisas valem a pena, porque estamos a mudar e a fazer mudanças. E apesar de o ser humano ter medo das mudanças porque estas tornam toda a base que este criou para se apoiar ao longo da vida inconstante, elas são necessárias e fazem-nos crescer, e se crescermos amparados pelo amor e carinho dos nossos amigos estamos sem dúvida a crescer para algo. Esse algo pode ser grande ou pequeno, mas é importante o suficiente para mudar o curso de toda a humanidade apesar de nem sempre nos apercebermos disso.

Por ser aquilo que sou hoje tenho que agradecer aos meus amigos, aqueles que estiveram sempre comigo e que vão estar sempre comigo. Podem pensar que sou ingrata por não referir a minha família,o meu pai, a minha mãe, o meu irmão, todos eles são importantes para mim é verdade, mas por serem família é o papel deles mostrarem-nos o caminho a seguir. Também os amo, mas é um amor diferente. Enquanto que eles estão comigo qundo estou doente, quando estou triste ou contente, e me mostram o que segundo mundo está certo e errado, os laços que criamos são muito diferentes dos laços que com os meus amigos criei. Porque os meus amigos cresceram comigo naqueles pequenos desafios a que ninguém dá importância. Aqueles desafios que são tão importantes para que cresçamos mas que ninguém nos quer mostrar e por isso eu tenhu que lhes dizer um grande OBRIGADA.

Ladybird

Just another day

Another day passed. Another dream shattered into pieces. Perhaps I'm wrong in standing up to my beliefs and I should just let me go with the sea of people that insist on taking me. In a world where our choices aren't worthy and we only have a fake sensation of free will there's no need to fight.

Sometimes I feel like the world is closing in and everything around me is surrounded by shadows. And I'm afraid of that shadows, people who I don't know but make it their routine to enter and exit small parts of my life. And then there are those who play a really important role on my existence, those who I can't live without them. It's like they're a part of me. However all the happiness they bring to me can't fullfil all my desires.Even though my friends are a really important part of my life there are some spaces that aren't meant for them, some spaces that are just meant to someone capable of love me with all his heart and soul. I'm not a person to give myself willingly at the beginning... i like to create bonds of trust and friendship, to know every little bit of information I can gather from that person. And only then I let myself fall in the deep depths of love. To feel loved, to be tenderdly held, isn't that everyone's dream?I believe it is, we just seek it by different means.

Ladybird

Mixing worlds

Her whole life was tumbling down. The joy and happiness she had felt some years ago seemed, now, so far away. Everything was so out of control! She couldn’t recognise herself anymore; she didn’t use to be such a sad and pessimistic girl. And if her world wasn’t on this pathetic war everything would be wonderful. But then again if it wasn’t for this war she should have never known him. She would have never seen his soul and instead of loving she would hate him. Yes, you’re reading well. Before the crash of the war they were enemies, they hated each other with such a passion… and I guess that’s why people say that there’s a thick line between love and hate. He was the only reason why she woke up everyday and fought to make the world a better place. She had chosen her path in the war; she had chosen the light side but he had chosen the dark one, making things between them even worse than they were.
Why did he have to choose the dark side, why not the light, when his whole heart and soul were with her? There was a big reason behind it all and although she knew why she just couldn’t accept it. He had been forced to choose that path by his parents and before falling in love with her, and now he couldn’t come back, otherwise he would be killed in the same instant he thought he was free.
There were times when she could only see him once in a month and even times when he would disappear for months coming back weaker. He was getting weaker day by day as he was punished almost everytime he was sent on one of his mysterious missions. There wasn’t anything good enough to please his master and he was starting to be afraid that He could find out that he wasn’t faithful to him. If He found out that he was betraying his side with her, he would kill her. And he knew he couldn’t bear to live without her. She was the only thing that made him sane in the twirl of his emotions. He always felt better when she was around him; she gave him strength to overcome every simple task of his days. The mere thought of her, of her hazel and warming eyes, fulfilled his heart with love, and if really concentrating in her slimmer figure he could almost smell her vanilla hair and feel her soft touch. However that wasn’t the same as being with her and holding her tight in his arms, telling her that he would never leave her, that he will be always there for her even if it seemed that he was too far away.
He loved every single moment he spent with her even if it was just for a brief time, she made him feel like he was at heaven. She was his angel and he was the devil. They were the forbidden relationship between bad and good, and sometimes he couldn’t understand how they were still together. They had nothing in common besides their love for each other and his love for her was the only thing he was sure about his life. He would rather die than live without her.
She spent most of her time with her family, friends and fighting on her side, afraid that she would come face to face with him on one of those missions. She pretended to hate him with the same passion she did years earlier around her friends, escaping sometimes from their meetings to be with him, so that no one knew about them, at least while the war wasn’t over she wasn’t going to tell any of her secrets to them. She knew they would never accept him but she also knew she could live without her friends and family trust if she was with him. He would be her family on the end of this quarrel between both sides.
Everyone had already noticed how different she was, she couldn’t focus on regular and simple tasks, she wasn’t eager to absorb all the knowledge she could, as she used to be. Her eyes once bright and deep with happiness and ambition were now expressionless and dull and the rare times you would see some emotion cross them, were always concern and fear. She feared she could lose him, she knew she couldn’t stand such a thing.
She kept daydreaming about him, about how good it felt to stroke his platinum hair, how good it felt to get lost in his grey eyes showing the path to his soul and how right it felt to be so tenderly held by him. She realised she spent all her minutes waiting for that short times she would be resting her head in his shoulder even if it was only for a second.

Ladybird

First time

A primeira vez...hum...não há nada como a primeira vez!!! A primeira vez que falamos, que gatinhamos, que escrevemos, que fizemos um amigo, que caímos...o primeiro brinquedo, o primeiro livro,o primeiro amor... A primeira vez que fazemos algo está sempre carregada de fortes emoções e fica quase sempre guardado num cantinho do nosso subconsciente à espera de ser de novo despertada.
Bem, esta é a primeira vez que escrevo no meu blog...espero que este meu novo espaço tenha todas as emoções e sentimentos de todas as minhas "primeiras vezes", que seja como um espelho daquilo que eu sou e que sirva para expressar tudo aquilo que sinto, para guradar tudo aquilo que me toca e tudo aquilo que não quero esquecer...

Ladybird