The search

It’s official. I turned into someone that’s unrecognizable.
Even I don’t know who hides behind this body anymore.
I spent three years trying to find myself only to end even more lost.
The faint scents of who I was are no longer discernable.
I’m not unique anymore.
I tried so hard, just to end up another walking puppet.
I sparkle in a crowd where I never belonged.
I forgot and left behind the quirks that were mine and mine alone.
What was that I once did that made me who I was?
I want to be that girl again.
Not this corrupted version. I should be censored.
How am I going to find the past self when this ugly version of me is so engraved everywhere?
I’m not happy with myself and it’s not only discomfort.
I’m loathing my actions and feelings. I’m loathing myself.
Its failure laced with regret and rejection.
Such a vicious circle and hard to leave.
I can’t believe I did what I did.
How inconsequent and stupid I was.
And yet I seem to recall some flashes in the past that could already tell that I was prone to it.
I’ve been making all the wrong choices as of late.
Something tells me though, that this started almost a decade ago.
Small choices that isolated and at that time meant nothing.
Summing everything and getting to the present, it’s not such a big surprise.
I need to stop this cascade of recurring events.
It’s becoming chronic and destructive. Addictive.
In even shorter periods of time.
Like a disease with its flashes and black-outs.
I need to start the healing process. I should cry to let it all out and feel relief.
And yet I just can’t. Tears never did come easily. I always hated them.
Showing weakness was for the fools.
Perhaps if I allowed those breaches I wouldn’t be like this today.
The famous: ‘Ignorance is bliss’ hits back home.
If I did not realise what’s happening I wouldn’t be feeling this uncomfortable.
I would be laughing my mistakes off.
My growing up process must have messed up along the way.
I’m a fourteen years old girl trapped in the body of a twenty one years old young woman.
Mistakes were prone to happen. Can you not read them in between lines?