Over & Over

I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings based on rational thought.
It hasn’t been helpful, yet.
I keep thinking and re-thinking and re-re-thinking.
And I only reached one conclusion.
I’m entertaining ideas of him. Much more than I ever think that I would.
The loneliness, the craving, the jealously is leading to that.
And I thought that I was secure. Ruling the game. Detached enough to be the one on top.
It’s like history it’s repeating itself all over again!
When am I going to break this chain?
Am I so desperate that I throw myself to just anyone who shows a tiny little bit of interest? Did I turn into that kind of girl?
He caught my interest, that’s for sure, but that was only because he worked himself up to it. He went out of his usual way for me! He walked me ‘home’ almost everyday!
Isn’t that movie stuff? At least, it’s not ordinary when it concerns me. So I was touched. Thrilled and amazingly happy that someone paid me attention.
So what’s happening now? What did I do wrong, again?
Yes, because I can only believe that this is my fault as it keeps happening. Right?
I’m the pattern. They’re always different.
Now, I’m brainstorming everything that has to do with him.
When I should be concerned about global warming, for instance!
It’s not fair. Not fair. He had no reason or right to mess with me.
And if I allowed him to was just because I trusted him.
I should’ve never let my guard down so early and easily.
But he made it so easy to be around him.
I’m glad he’s only a nuisance in my constantly cluttered mind…for now.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with the pain, again.

I don’t seem to learn from my own mistakes.
Instead I keep repeating them all over again!