Swirl

It has been months since I wrote a decent piece of work.
Nothing seems to inspire me and I blame all this happiness crammed together.
Not even a single despairing thought to start a rant.
It’s all smiles, laughter, trips, friends, nights out, sunny afternoons, secrets, sharing, cute guys, flirt, silly histories, alcohol, deep talks and cravings. Fun addiction.
The sun shines so brightly upon my life that I’m even scared!
How long will this last? It won’t be forever but I so want to keep it all within my reach.
I’m grasping, tasting, and breathing everything I can.
Perhaps I’m living too fast but I have yet to reach so many things.
What if I don’t have time to?
There are so many things I should have experienced already and are so far from happening!
They all insist that I changed. They are all so wrong.
I just never voiced what I’m finally courageous enough to do now.
If some of my actions are not filled with morality like they used to, they all take their time to try and make me feel bad about it.
I just can’t, though, I’m so happy. So fucking happy that, sometimes, it even burns in my chest.

Buddies

Today I found an astoundingly and surprisingly truth about myself.
It came to me like an epiphany.
I like chivalrous men.
Those who aim to please me and get out of their own path for me.
Just because it’s rare to witness such acts when it concerns me.
No. Men are not impolite or rude towards me. No.
They usually treat me like another pal, another buddy.
So if I’m walking a mile and carrying a heavy bag, my ‘buddy’ won’t even think of easing the burden and carry it himself. Most likely he will give me his to carry as well.
We are ‘pals’ after all, so why not oblige to his whiny pleas?
At home, it’s exactly the same. Women do the work. Men lazily slouch on the couch.
And it’s ‘okay’, because the wife and the daughter are supposed to take care of everything. It’s engraved just like that in everyone’s mind.

Out of thin air, a man appears and compliments your looks, holds the door for you, walks with you, takes your bag, asks before acting, and you’re hooked.
It’s new, refreshing, and you find yourself smiling despite the wreck of day you had.

The problem, though, it’s when suddenly they’re not so nice anymore.
Instead of being a ‘wannabe girl’ you landed yourself once again in the buddy place.
That or they were trying to get in your pants and you said no.

You’ll strive again for nice compliments and smiles.
Perhaps in a distant future it’ll be like that forever.
A knight in a charming armour. The charming prince. The fairytale.
You wonder, though, how far away is that future.
You’re twenty. It’s not exactly a young age anymore.
Five more years and you’re supposed to at least be thinking of settling down.
You shrug you shoulders. It’s not like it matters when the sun is high.
When the rain comes pouring, though, you find yourself within a void.
You’re alone. Twenty years old and your life tale has no one else but you.
While others, picture a marriage, children, and a future.
You say you’re free and they’re trapped within moral laws.
You know otherwise, unfortunately.
You are alone.
That’s the real and brutal truth.

Over & Over

I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings based on rational thought.
It hasn’t been helpful, yet.
I keep thinking and re-thinking and re-re-thinking.
And I only reached one conclusion.
I’m entertaining ideas of him. Much more than I ever think that I would.
The loneliness, the craving, the jealously is leading to that.
And I thought that I was secure. Ruling the game. Detached enough to be the one on top.
It’s like history it’s repeating itself all over again!
When am I going to break this chain?
Am I so desperate that I throw myself to just anyone who shows a tiny little bit of interest? Did I turn into that kind of girl?
He caught my interest, that’s for sure, but that was only because he worked himself up to it. He went out of his usual way for me! He walked me ‘home’ almost everyday!
Isn’t that movie stuff? At least, it’s not ordinary when it concerns me. So I was touched. Thrilled and amazingly happy that someone paid me attention.
So what’s happening now? What did I do wrong, again?
Yes, because I can only believe that this is my fault as it keeps happening. Right?
I’m the pattern. They’re always different.
Now, I’m brainstorming everything that has to do with him.
When I should be concerned about global warming, for instance!
It’s not fair. Not fair. He had no reason or right to mess with me.
And if I allowed him to was just because I trusted him.
I should’ve never let my guard down so early and easily.
But he made it so easy to be around him.
I’m glad he’s only a nuisance in my constantly cluttered mind…for now.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with the pain, again.

I don’t seem to learn from my own mistakes.
Instead I keep repeating them all over again!

Giddy

I usually write when I’m down and negative thoughts are flooding my mind.
I concentrate fully on the pain of the moment.
Forgetting that half an hour it’s not a day.

My last months have been a blurry dream.
I had a smile plastered on my face since dawn until dusk.
I can’t dismiss that or let it slide away inconspicuous.
And I can’t really put my finger on what’s having me on the border of happiness.
But I’m happy and not just content.
The sun has been shining on me.
It feels glorious to just let it soak my body with warmth. Splendorous.
I wish I could suck in just anyone into this vortex of smiles and laughter.

My heart is bursting ‘cause once again I regained control.
And I found out that I’m a new different person.
Confident. Boisterous. Self-assured. Happy. Powerful.
I’m not making progress in one of my dreams.
That doesn’t mean, though, that I haven’t others to fulfil.
I just lived one this past week,
And others are waiting down the corner.

I’ll keep my giddiness and the smile for as long as I can.
Scouts word!

Expectations

Expectations. Frustrations.
Isn’t it just the same?
If I have the time to just over think everything and built up in my head scenarios of how certain events are to be led I just put myself to disappointment.
And it hurts. Even though I knew from the beginning that it was impossible!
There’s always a strange hope in the bottom of my heart.
That makes me human, I guess.
Although, I never cease to admit that I don’t want to be it.

The night didn’t go as I had played in my head.
No resemblance whatsoever.
Him disappearing out in thin air in made no sense. No sense at all.
At least I had fun. Or I would have been devastated after creating so many expectations.
That night was supposed to be the launching of something, a turning point.
The ‘click’ was to happen.
But in my foolish hurry to feel I forgot that’s not something I can plan.
I’ll let the stream flow by itself now; or at least I’ll try.
Just not to end frustrated once again.

Poem from Leaves of Grass

Whoever you are, holding me now in hand,
Without one thing, all will be useless,
I give you fair warning, before you attempt me further,
I'm not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he, that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

The way is suspicious - the result uncertain, perhaps destructive;
You would have to give up all else - I alone would expect to be your God, sole and exclusive,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life, and all conformity to the lives around you, would have to be abandon'd;
Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself any further - Let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down, and depart on your way.

Walt Whitman, Leaves of grass