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I hate this 
stupid feeling of not belonging, not fitting anywhere. Sometimes I wonder if I have not come from afar way from here. I don't understand the way people act it just confuses me so much. Humanity has taken a role in its hands that I can't fulfill. Perhaps I have non-human blood in my veins although I cannot see from where does it come nor I know how that is possible. I don't understand, really I'd love to and I really make an effort. How come that humans can always choose the wrong path for them? And who am I to talk about them like this? I am one of them, right? Then I guess I have to say we, isn't it? I start to wonder if we humans have the lightest trace of kindness and compassion. Are we really good? I have found my mind plagued with thoughts about this lately and there's a reason about that. This last years every time I turn the TV on I can only see pain, misery, death, war. What the hell happened to us? If we were making bets right now I would bet that the human race has nothing but evil within them. Right now I don't give a damn about us, about our stupid society. There's no hope for us. We will all die in the end by our hands I don't doubt that. Normally I would have a but, I would try and find that tiny little ray of hope that always flickers in the horizon but what its the point when even the ones you call friends, the ones you believe in no matter what, those who you stick with and stand up for anything leave you behind in an old memory that its good but always stays laid forgotten when it is needed? I hate to feel like this, so weak, so alone, so abandoned. Is it wrong for me to always believe in them? Is it wrong for me to stick so much to the past, to try and have them forever in my life? Perhaps I'm a dreamer, perhaps I can't see reality with the same eyes the others do. But reality for me its what I want it to be, it's my dreams, my hopes, my fears and I always see myself sharing this with my friends. Maybe I take the word friend beyond its meaning and if I keep doing this to myself I'll always get hurt. I should stop believing, hoping although I don't do it much anymore but perhaps I should have stopped long years ago when I was naive and pure. I'm afraid I get as corrupted as they are but is there a chance to escape? I think I've claimed my death sentence the day I chose to follow my mind and not my heart, the day I signed in for science, for progress and knowledge and not for words and imagination, for love and compassion.Ladybird
I'm finally free from school work. It was a rough year but as always it was worthwhile. Now, I guess I have all t
he time for me and although these first days are gonna be peaceful I know that I'll bore myself to death here alone. I really hope my friends want to catch up often. Well, with all my freetime and all I've decided I've no more excuses as to not post about Red Hot Chili Peppers like I've promised to my cousin. Right, and what's there to say about them? Not much really and that's because their songs, their style speak for themselves. Definitely one of my favourite bands if not the favourite one. I love Anthony Kiedins. =) They came here to Portugal a month and a half ago(if I'm not mistaken) to play on Rock in Rio. I was supposed to go, I was so excited! God, it would have been the best gift ever. But unfortunately fate was once again against me and my parents decided I couldn't go. Can you just see the injustice of this? I was so jealous of my cousin and some of my friends as they were going and I was staying behind. On the day of the concert I could rip off anyone's heart in three seconds if they just mentioned my luck. I was kinda of scary! lool Oh well, but I got to see the whole concert on the internet. It wasn't the same but it was something. And if I could feel a tinkling sensation in every note they sang and I was so far away from them I can hardly imagine what was like to be just right there. Now I only have a little pin brought for one of my friends and the wish to see them again but this time on their side.Ladybird
Sometimes I wonder how our memory can hold on to certain moments and keep in mind all the details, other times it just focus on the most important issues of that moment and there are other ones that just slip away like they've never been there, like they have never happened. It's amazing if we think upon it for some time how the most memories that keep surfacing are the worst ones and not the good ones, perhaps to make us see what we have done wrong in the past and that we shouldn't be repeating it again? I really don't have a clue about it and to tell the truth I've never done much thought on it, but right now there's a memory that keeps popping in and out and I can't really say if it is bad or good...And it's kind of frustrating,really...
I guess it is a good one as the part that I remember really well makes me sigh and it gives me goosebumps all over my body but then I remember everything that happened on that day and I can't make it a good thought anymore.
FLASHBACK
It was a hot day and we were on a school trip, everybody was happy and singing, playing the guitar...I was in a good mood too until I felt the world crash down on me. Silly I know but I can't help it if my stupid heart decided to break all the rules and fall hard for one of my best friends. I do try to keep my desire away but what can I do my heart seems to be just as stubborn as my mind. So you can see that it really wasn't a pretty sight for me when he spent the whole trip snogging is supposed girlfriend. I really hold on well, I kept most of the trip with a beautiful smile on my face and playing around with my friends but I was kind of expecting to spend the trip with him. Oh, and don't get me wrong I know he has his girlfriend but really it wouldn't be the first time he would leave her just to be with me. We are really good friends and if there's something I treasure it's his friendship. I love his company, his witty remarks, our heated discussions and it doesn't really help when he his kind of a hot guy too. Well, I really just started getting unpleasant towards the others on the way back and I decided it was better if I was alone in one of the benches of the bus. Lucky me that without thinking just sat in front of the snogging couple! Or was I trying to see how further they would go? Hell, I can't even understand myself. And as stupid as it is I remember a tear making its way down my face and in my rage of being like that because of a stupid teenager with ranging hormones I wiped it away with full force. And as I was gazing into space he came to stand beside me. I focused my sight on him, my hair had fallen in front of my eyes and then he made the stupidest move, the one I can't take my mind of. He raised his hand slowly and pulled a stray of my hair behind my ear and while doing it brushed his knuckles on my cheek. Oh, how I felt every little nerve of my body contract behind his touch, how I felt goosebumps all over me. And the stupid prick kept looking at me in the eyes unaware of his effect or perhaps totally aware and enjoying his power over me.
END OF FLASHBACK
You may think this is stupid as we are close friends, right? The problem it's even though he had touched me before it never was such an intimate gesture. It seemed that he was taking care of me and the sudden desire to cuddle in his arms was really hard to fight back. I guess this images popping in and out are just a picture of what I desire. It has been a really long time since I've been with a guy and perhaps that's why I find myself craving for his touch. Ladybird
stupid feeling of not belonging, not fitting anywhere. Sometimes I wonder if I have not come from afar way from here. I don't understand the way people act it just confuses me so much. Humanity has taken a role in its hands that I can't fulfill. Perhaps I have non-human blood in my veins although I cannot see from where does it come nor I know how that is possible. I don't understand, really I'd love to and I really make an effort. How come that humans can always choose the wrong path for them? And who am I to talk about them like this? I am one of them, right? Then I guess I have to say we, isn't it? I start to wonder if we humans have the lightest trace of kindness and compassion. Are we really good? I have found my mind plagued with thoughts about this lately and there's a reason about that. This last years every time I turn the TV on I can only see pain, misery, death, war. What the hell happened to us? If we were making bets right now I would bet that the human race has nothing but evil within them. Right now I don't give a damn about us, about our stupid society. There's no hope for us. We will all die in the end by our hands I don't doubt that. Normally I would have a but, I would try and find that tiny little ray of hope that always flickers in the horizon but what its the point when even the ones you call friends, the ones you believe in no matter what, those who you stick with and stand up for anything leave you behind in an old memory that its good but always stays laid forgotten when it is needed? I hate to feel like this, so weak, so alone, so abandoned. Is it wrong for me to always believe in them? Is it wrong for me to stick so much to the past, to try and have them forever in my life? Perhaps I'm a dreamer, perhaps I can't see reality with the same eyes the others do. But reality for me its what I want it to be, it's my dreams, my hopes, my fears and I always see myself sharing this with my friends. Maybe I take the word friend beyond its meaning and if I keep doing this to myself I'll always get hurt. I should stop believing, hoping although I don't do it much anymore but perhaps I should have stopped long years ago when I was naive and pure. I'm afraid I get as corrupted as they are but is there a chance to escape? I think I've claimed my death sentence the day I chose to follow my mind and not my heart, the day I signed in for science, for progress and knowledge and not for words and imagination, for love and compassion.
