Trapped

I’m trapped in more ways than I could ever realise.
Worse than being trapped in walls is being trapped within yourself.

Someone else has been living my life and I’ve stayed back watching it the whole time.
Where have I been hiding the real me? What I’ve been doing with my happiness?
Is there even a way to rescue me now?
I’m so deep rooted in these fears and insecurities.
How am I holding myself together based on pretending?
How could I ever believe that this fake happiness, fake contentment was what I was looking for?
I’m becoming just like them all; another nameless face in the crowd.
Why have I been forgetting my dreams when I vowed to never really let them go?

It’s funny how everytime I’m under stress either physical or emotional I always remember the failure I am for not seeking what I actually want. Always telling myself that I’m just putting it all in hold and I will come back for it. Why am I fooling myself? I’m no better than the others who cross my path, and they all grew and forgot what they once saw as their happiness, as their dreams.
I can’t seem to forget mine, though.
I’m lucky, in a way. But knowing that I’m not doing anything to pursue it it’s like a stab; because they don’t know what they’re leaving behind, but I do, I always do.

I was getting used to this life, I was starting to believe in the web of fake happiness everyone else believes and thankfully I was awaked again. I don’t know for how long but at least it is gaining strengths to make another assault in the future.
It was so different back then. I had the time to read, to loose myself in the realms of fantasy, to dig and search for human knowledge. Not facts and science but people in its core. And now, now is always science. Chemistry, physics, biology, health…it all revolves around palpable things. Feelings, emotions, all left behind.

I lost a part of myself when I choose this course. I’m aware of it.
Believing never was as difficult as it is now. It’s rather painful actually.
It’s all I can do for now, though.

So lets hope and pray although my faith is lost in a childhood led by dreams.

A dream

A plane crosses the sky.
Rain is pouring.
The train smoothly finds its way through the green mountains.
Gazing through the black-smoked window a feeling of solitude and helplessness swallows my whole presence.
The day is slowly fading into night.
Happy thoughts were left behind in the platform and are now turning into greyer ones that I’m sure will turn into black ones as the journey goes by.
There’s a ruckus around the compartment. Children running everywhere. Worried parents shouting to keep them close.
My mind, though, is being drilled with such a heavy silence that I’m unable to distinguish any sound from the outside,
I’m leaving.
Leaving behind twenty years of my life, for good. There won’t be much to miss. Repressing moments, people and feelings became one of my expertises.
It will be harder for those I left.
No letter, no reason, no goodbye. For them it’s like I suddenly disappeared in a cloud of thick mist, just like a magic trick.
My path it’s not uncertain. It was planned.
I’m finally leaving the heavy restraints that tied me to insignificance and failure.
I’m free and sad. There’s no safe ground, now. I’m on my own.
There’s a whole new world with wide open doors presenting itself to me.
Childhood dreams waiting to be fulfilled.
I’m starting new. I’m re-birthing from the ashes like a phoenix.
Crossing physical and emotional frontiers.


There’s a stir. It comes from my own body. A blink of the eyes. A yawn. Through the window of my bedroom there’s proof of a heavy rain. The lawn is wet. There are torn and lost leaves caught in the wind twirling around.
I’m trying desperately to grasp the last remaining ideas of my dream. They escape like water through my fingers.
I have an inkling feeling it was something important, like it was meant to be.
A dream, though, that’s it.

Inner void

I’ve been busy.
Too busy to even feel. So I’ve been in a fake pretence of happiness.
It’s not that bad. I’m able to go through the whole week without feeling too drained.
And I like it this way because everyone is fooled.
Actually I’m starting to get afraid of those moments I know I’ll be free. It leaves me too much space to think. Analysing thoughts it’s not safe when it concerns me.
I hate realising how lost and desperate I am. I want to be in control, I have to!

What happened didn’t make me feel bad with myself. Is it that bad? Should I be blaming myself for something I had little control over and that I don’t even know if it is true? Can he blame me?
He says the girl he knows and met years ago would never do something like that. But that girl changed and grew. He was part of that process. Was he so blinded by the idea of her that he never realised how different she is?
I cannot meet everyone expectations. I hate how they all say that I’m the ideal girl, that I deserve the best. Never actually taking a glance at me. Too good for me? Bullshit!

‘Drew’ is not being easy. He says I keep mistreating him and acting aggressive towards him, that I don’t care that he is far away now and not able to keep in touch with everyone.
Can he not see that this is my way of coping with his absence? Is it that hard to understand that I miss him? I’m not allowed to, I know. I’m supposed to be everyone’s shelter and rock to lean. But even though I don’t feel for him the same there’s still lingering feelings. A snap of his fingers and I’m his. I loathe these restraints. I just hope that somewhere in the future I’m able to get away from this country just like he did, although, he didn’t really want that.


I’m supposed to be perfect when I feel like a failure.

Fallen Angel

If I, born as human, can feel the weight of all the emotions gathered upon me like I'm carrying a mountain on my back then I don't understand how someone, who was not born with them and suddenly can feel, is able to handle them without choking to death. If I, that have ever felt them since the moment I entered this shattered world, cannot still pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling nor name the tuggings I feel, then those who know the name of none will surely end buried in ashes.

A turmoil of feelings, emotions. Everything tangled up. And at the same time void. Nothing at all. Emptiness.

I believe angels know every single emotion, every single feeling by heart and can understand them all. But angels don't feel. They're neutral creatures. They're not black nor white. Neither grey. If I feel like every single emotion is upon me and at the same time there's nothing inside the empty shell of soul I'm supposed to have, am I a angel? Am I a creature who ended up lost in a parallel universe where she was not supposed to be wandering? Or am I too full of myself for thinking of me higher than any other human who crosses his patch with mine? Are angels higher than humans? 'Cause if being lower or the same as a human means having a less crowded head where no complex thoughts and emotions exist then I don't want to be an angel.

Can you feel for the same thing/someone opposite feelings? Can you feel like hurt them and nurse them to health? Can you love them and hate them?

'I am the angel that never felt' because I know nothing of this world. I've felt nothing. Whatever it is that I think I'm feeling is a mere illusion. Cause someone who feels everything at the same time is someone who doesn't feel at all. No mistakes there. No numbness, no desire at all. Just instincts. And those barely make you survive. This is the only logic reason for me to still see the sun rise and set, to watch the light come after the darkness. Instincts are keeping me alive by a thin and scattered line. 'Cause if I could actually feel the pent up of emotions that populate my head I would have perished. Death.

[Every angel waits for his rise. For the spell to be broken. For the heart to feel like that of a humble human.]