The search

It’s official. I turned into someone that’s unrecognizable.
Even I don’t know who hides behind this body anymore.
I spent three years trying to find myself only to end even more lost.
The faint scents of who I was are no longer discernable.
I’m not unique anymore.
I tried so hard, just to end up another walking puppet.
I sparkle in a crowd where I never belonged.
I forgot and left behind the quirks that were mine and mine alone.
What was that I once did that made me who I was?
I want to be that girl again.
Not this corrupted version. I should be censored.
How am I going to find the past self when this ugly version of me is so engraved everywhere?
I’m not happy with myself and it’s not only discomfort.
I’m loathing my actions and feelings. I’m loathing myself.
Its failure laced with regret and rejection.
Such a vicious circle and hard to leave.
I can’t believe I did what I did.
How inconsequent and stupid I was.
And yet I seem to recall some flashes in the past that could already tell that I was prone to it.
I’ve been making all the wrong choices as of late.
Something tells me though, that this started almost a decade ago.
Small choices that isolated and at that time meant nothing.
Summing everything and getting to the present, it’s not such a big surprise.
I need to stop this cascade of recurring events.
It’s becoming chronic and destructive. Addictive.
In even shorter periods of time.
Like a disease with its flashes and black-outs.
I need to start the healing process. I should cry to let it all out and feel relief.
And yet I just can’t. Tears never did come easily. I always hated them.
Showing weakness was for the fools.
Perhaps if I allowed those breaches I wouldn’t be like this today.
The famous: ‘Ignorance is bliss’ hits back home.
If I did not realise what’s happening I wouldn’t be feeling this uncomfortable.
I would be laughing my mistakes off.
My growing up process must have messed up along the way.
I’m a fourteen years old girl trapped in the body of a twenty one years old young woman.
Mistakes were prone to happen. Can you not read them in between lines?

Swirl

It has been months since I wrote a decent piece of work.
Nothing seems to inspire me and I blame all this happiness crammed together.
Not even a single despairing thought to start a rant.
It’s all smiles, laughter, trips, friends, nights out, sunny afternoons, secrets, sharing, cute guys, flirt, silly histories, alcohol, deep talks and cravings. Fun addiction.
The sun shines so brightly upon my life that I’m even scared!
How long will this last? It won’t be forever but I so want to keep it all within my reach.
I’m grasping, tasting, and breathing everything I can.
Perhaps I’m living too fast but I have yet to reach so many things.
What if I don’t have time to?
There are so many things I should have experienced already and are so far from happening!
They all insist that I changed. They are all so wrong.
I just never voiced what I’m finally courageous enough to do now.
If some of my actions are not filled with morality like they used to, they all take their time to try and make me feel bad about it.
I just can’t, though, I’m so happy. So fucking happy that, sometimes, it even burns in my chest.

Buddies

Today I found an astoundingly and surprisingly truth about myself.
It came to me like an epiphany.
I like chivalrous men.
Those who aim to please me and get out of their own path for me.
Just because it’s rare to witness such acts when it concerns me.
No. Men are not impolite or rude towards me. No.
They usually treat me like another pal, another buddy.
So if I’m walking a mile and carrying a heavy bag, my ‘buddy’ won’t even think of easing the burden and carry it himself. Most likely he will give me his to carry as well.
We are ‘pals’ after all, so why not oblige to his whiny pleas?
At home, it’s exactly the same. Women do the work. Men lazily slouch on the couch.
And it’s ‘okay’, because the wife and the daughter are supposed to take care of everything. It’s engraved just like that in everyone’s mind.

Out of thin air, a man appears and compliments your looks, holds the door for you, walks with you, takes your bag, asks before acting, and you’re hooked.
It’s new, refreshing, and you find yourself smiling despite the wreck of day you had.

The problem, though, it’s when suddenly they’re not so nice anymore.
Instead of being a ‘wannabe girl’ you landed yourself once again in the buddy place.
That or they were trying to get in your pants and you said no.

You’ll strive again for nice compliments and smiles.
Perhaps in a distant future it’ll be like that forever.
A knight in a charming armour. The charming prince. The fairytale.
You wonder, though, how far away is that future.
You’re twenty. It’s not exactly a young age anymore.
Five more years and you’re supposed to at least be thinking of settling down.
You shrug you shoulders. It’s not like it matters when the sun is high.
When the rain comes pouring, though, you find yourself within a void.
You’re alone. Twenty years old and your life tale has no one else but you.
While others, picture a marriage, children, and a future.
You say you’re free and they’re trapped within moral laws.
You know otherwise, unfortunately.
You are alone.
That’s the real and brutal truth.

Over & Over

I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings based on rational thought.
It hasn’t been helpful, yet.
I keep thinking and re-thinking and re-re-thinking.
And I only reached one conclusion.
I’m entertaining ideas of him. Much more than I ever think that I would.
The loneliness, the craving, the jealously is leading to that.
And I thought that I was secure. Ruling the game. Detached enough to be the one on top.
It’s like history it’s repeating itself all over again!
When am I going to break this chain?
Am I so desperate that I throw myself to just anyone who shows a tiny little bit of interest? Did I turn into that kind of girl?
He caught my interest, that’s for sure, but that was only because he worked himself up to it. He went out of his usual way for me! He walked me ‘home’ almost everyday!
Isn’t that movie stuff? At least, it’s not ordinary when it concerns me. So I was touched. Thrilled and amazingly happy that someone paid me attention.
So what’s happening now? What did I do wrong, again?
Yes, because I can only believe that this is my fault as it keeps happening. Right?
I’m the pattern. They’re always different.
Now, I’m brainstorming everything that has to do with him.
When I should be concerned about global warming, for instance!
It’s not fair. Not fair. He had no reason or right to mess with me.
And if I allowed him to was just because I trusted him.
I should’ve never let my guard down so early and easily.
But he made it so easy to be around him.
I’m glad he’s only a nuisance in my constantly cluttered mind…for now.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with the pain, again.

I don’t seem to learn from my own mistakes.
Instead I keep repeating them all over again!