No one told me it would be so hard!

I am scared, god, I don't remember being just like this, scared of breathing, of thinking...It seems that every choice I make his cursed. Just another big twist in my life, another turmoil of emotions to deal with and again I don't know how to react. What started like a pleasant day ended like being held in hell. I've wondered a lot lately and I can't find any single reason to have a fate just like mine. If God is out there looking for us, shouldn't he be caring, shouldn't we all be happy?! Then why do I have the sensation that He's just playing us around like toys? Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps my mind is now so corrupted by our society that I've just fallen into ignorance, that I can't see the love He send us everyday in every simple task we do...But even my easiest tasks are a burden.
Like I've mentioned before on one of my previous posts I believe that we are only in the world for one purpose, seeking love. Everyone wants to be loved, understood, respected and if there's something I believe in it's Soulmates. We may not find it today, nor tomorrow, nor even in years of this lifetime that we can remember, but our souls are constantly moving from body to body never leaving the path of earth. And in those years, decades, centuries our soul will seek their Other Part till the ends of earth, we can find it once, twice, constantly, we may stay with it forever or we may have just a brief meeting. Soulmates don't stand together everytime, love is too simple too a world like ours. Humans tend to complicate, why making love easy when it just creates a whole new branch of emotions most of the times unknown?! We always go for the hardest way, we try to complex everything and when it comes to make the right decision, too choose, we just choose the easiest path, the one we think won't give us any troubles, but turns out being the hardest one, and sometimes we just leave behind an important part of us.
Why this whole rambling about nothing?Well easy enough, I'm troubled and I don't know who to talk to. I'm not in love, don't take me wrong, there are a lot of people for whom I care about, there are even two or three guys that I might fancy a bit, they're witty, they're charming...But before all those possible feelings I have friendships I'm not willing to give up. Bonds that took me really long to create and that are more important to me than anything else. I'm one of those who seek for the love of their friends instead of trying to create a new whole kind of relationship, perhaps because I've been disappointed in the past, 'cause I'm afraid of suffering again.
I thought I had just moved on and I had in a way, there wasn't that need of having someone by my side (except for my friends), there wasn't anything distracting me from school, everything was smooth. I should have been alert, perhaps I could have avoided all this confusion and awkwardness but now it's just too late. And then when I was just happy I was the plain me with no big worries, a tinkling sensation found it's way to my heart. Am I just overreacting?Am I just making a great confusion with a deep friendship and a lighter kind of love? I wish I am, I'm just praying that if God is really there taking care of me He will make this day just a dream in everyone's mind, specially in mine...I hope I woke up a few hours later with the feeling of a weird dream where I thought my life was turning into chaos. Only then I can believe one of my beliefs...Love only seek us when we aren't looking for it.

Ladybird