Inner void

I’ve been busy.
Too busy to even feel. So I’ve been in a fake pretence of happiness.
It’s not that bad. I’m able to go through the whole week without feeling too drained.
And I like it this way because everyone is fooled.
Actually I’m starting to get afraid of those moments I know I’ll be free. It leaves me too much space to think. Analysing thoughts it’s not safe when it concerns me.
I hate realising how lost and desperate I am. I want to be in control, I have to!

What happened didn’t make me feel bad with myself. Is it that bad? Should I be blaming myself for something I had little control over and that I don’t even know if it is true? Can he blame me?
He says the girl he knows and met years ago would never do something like that. But that girl changed and grew. He was part of that process. Was he so blinded by the idea of her that he never realised how different she is?
I cannot meet everyone expectations. I hate how they all say that I’m the ideal girl, that I deserve the best. Never actually taking a glance at me. Too good for me? Bullshit!

‘Drew’ is not being easy. He says I keep mistreating him and acting aggressive towards him, that I don’t care that he is far away now and not able to keep in touch with everyone.
Can he not see that this is my way of coping with his absence? Is it that hard to understand that I miss him? I’m not allowed to, I know. I’m supposed to be everyone’s shelter and rock to lean. But even though I don’t feel for him the same there’s still lingering feelings. A snap of his fingers and I’m his. I loathe these restraints. I just hope that somewhere in the future I’m able to get away from this country just like he did, although, he didn’t really want that.


I’m supposed to be perfect when I feel like a failure.